And the Lord Spake Saying..

On the first day, He said, let there be two kinds of wiffle ball bats. The first kind will be the big fat red bat, which small children will use in order to increase their confidence and batting average until they reach a certain age. Then, once the child's understanding and basic skills of the game reach a certain level, he will graduate to the skinny yellow bat.. which will make the ball fly farther when hit, but due to its skinnier geometry, will render the youngster unable to hit a single pitch again until he realizes that baseball sucks and moves on to kickball.

On the second day, He noticed that men were sort of lonely, but were also doing reasonably well dealing with life's issues, so He said, "Let there be women". Since then men have been able to reproduce.

On the third day, He saw that with women on earth, things were becoming more interesting, but he noticed that men's auto-insurance rates were averaging much higher premiums due to the poor driving abilities of their wives, so He said, "Let there be Gieko". Since then men have not only been able to chuckle at the office about the cute commercials, but they also find themselves much funnier because anytime they hear someone at the office say "I've got good news", they chime in with "I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance!" And masturbate with glee at their clever use of a familiar comedic device used outside the context of it's normal situation.

On the fourth day, He invented the city of Bethlehem, P.A., where the unwritten social contract was that as long as you are very careful not to injure others, drunk driving will be the accepted mode of transportation for the working populace. Luckily, Geico was already in existence (right?).

On the fifth day, he noticed something very strange. He noticed that even though there are a myriad of personal tragedies that even some laid back people don't like to joke about... There is one kind of tragic occurance, that all the Americans thought was hilarious. They refused to laugh about terrorism, suicide, drugs, and illness, but for some reason, middle America just loved hearing and laughing about older married couples who hate each other. They gathered round the office going, "Hey did you see last night when Raymond's mom tried to poison Raymond's dad, and then Raymond's dad said he wished he never met her and gave her the finger? HAHAHA Gold!" If a friend said, "Hey dude, my dog ran away 2 weeks ago and hasn't come back", they'd get, "oh man I'm really sorry bro", or if it was "Hey guess what I screwed up my taxes and now I could be in big fuckin trouble" they'd get "Shit, dude that sucks". But if they said, "My grandma and grandpa have been hating each other for 20 years and every time they wake up in the same house as each other they die a thousand deaths inside" the response would be, "BWAHAHAHAHA Oh good lord I think I just pissed myself." And for some reason, the more extended the family they built, the more hilarious it gets.. "Why are you laughing, they have 8 kids and 37 grandchildren" ... "ROFLMFAO!!! Oh stop, it hurts my spleen, jeezis that's genius!" ..."Dude we hate the holidays because everybody is miserable hearing them fight bitterly..." "STOP IT, STOP IT, I'm not KIDDING that is So CLASSIC I think I'm about to faint! HAHAHAHAHA It's so great, because see they got married... and now because of their each individual inertia, they don't have the courage to leave! And now because of their decisions, neither of them will really be able to enjoy life ever again! Oh My Word, that's too brilliant..." This other man threw his life away on drugs? Boooo.... This girl threw her life away getting pregnant and hooking (and drugs?)? Boooooo... These two people threw their life away on each other, and because of the 60 extra humans that now exist and are being born all the time thanks to them, they can't face the facts and just leave each other? They are basically good people, but now they're stuck "sliding down the seperating asshole of mutual acrimony and defeat" (Oswalt)? BOOYAH! BUY BUY BUY!! We HAVE A WINNER, Oh God I love it... ...That youngster hated school and dropped out and is now on the street? That's not entertaining... A girl was cheating on her boyfriend, and he caught her and punched her in the face? That's terrible...
.....An old man who spent a long life doing the right things and taking care of everybody is now so miserable with his wife that he prays for his family's hereditary cancer to devour him? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

On the 6th Day, God rested, playing wiffle ball with the Geckoes and divorce lawyers in Bethlehem... And that's why our callendar now has the standard 4 day week...

1 comment:

Stef said...

Heyeee...I see a Ryan Carey! Just sayin' hi! And yay for drunk driving in Bethlehem...except not.


Umm...peace out?