The Past, the Present, and Lasers...

There is nothing more essentially futuristic than lasers. Lasers are an emblem of tomorrow. Lasers = Future. Remember back in the late 80s when they were talking about someday using lazers for vision-correction eye surgery, and we were all like, "what the FUCK is wrong with these people"... Well as you can see, now it's the 90's and lasers are everywhere. Laser Discs, Laser Pink Floyd, over at Our Lady of Diocesan Budget Increase Parish they have Laser Stations of the Cross every Aester... and Laser Confession when the pope dies. And Lasers are employed to do FUCKING everying. Laser diamond engraving, laser tatoo removal, laser penis enlargement, and I swear to god, no fucking joke, I saw a small billboard on a bus-stop that advertised... (get this)... "Laser Quit Smoking". HAH! It's unreal.

So here's what you have to do with this information. As part of an effort to make our language more conscious of reality, we are going to replace not only the word "Future" with the word "Laser", but we are going to use Lasers as a refference point for the purpose of comparing any two events on a timeline. FOR INSTANCE. Rather than saying the burning of Rome occured 50 years after the building of the Library of Alexandria, you would NOW say, the burning of Rome occured 50 years Closer to Lasers than the building of Alexandria. And WHEN exactly is Lasers, you ask, as a point on a timeline? Lasers can be found in two spots. First of all, in real time, Lasers is always TOMORROW, so lasers would be (today)+24 hours. Secondly, lasers refers to any time AFTER a given point of refference. For instance, if I'm talking about next Wednsday and next Thursday, Lasers would be next thursday--except when next Tuesday comes because (tuesday)+24hours = (wedsday) [lasers] --for this occasion, Wedsday and Thursday would BOTH be Lasers, as would every day following that.

NOW, for those of you who are actually following this, you are begining to realize what seems to be an essential flaw in this design. That flaw is that we have had actual lasers for several years now, some of those years being in the past. How can last September not be lasers, when someone you know had laser teeth-whitening at that time? Well according to the system, it CAN be lasers, but only when being compared to a point in time previous to that. But still, you say, what if you're comparing last September to the September before that, BOTH times during which you had Laser tatoo removal? Well you have to understand that the quantity and intensity of lasers will be increasing infinitely into the future in a manner which will give whatever lasers existing in the past or present an abseloute value of [0].

But Dr. Carey, (today)+24 hours will not yeild such a massive increase of lasers so as to reduce the ratio of yesterdays lasers to an infinitesimal fraction... ...This is a very good point, although not necaserrily true, but certainly possible given the day to day history of the last several years; I will be taking this into consideration when I decide whether or not to keep the (today)+24hours=lasers part of the formula, since tomorrow is just a symbolic word for the future. And since 24 hours into the future is not merely symbolic of 'tomorrow', it shouldn't translate directly. Although tomorrow is a virtual garantee of lasers, you still have to respect the lasers of yesterday when compared to the lasers of today.

It's a good thing I'm not a genius, because then I'd be actually insane, and probably suicidal. Did you ever notice that anytime there's a movie about some mathematical genius or artistic genious, they're always bipolar skitzophrenics with self-inflicted drill wounds, with stab wounds lasers to come in their story? Thank god I don't have that kind of burden, and am gladly willing to strive for annoying rather than any sort of genius.

Go Penguins!

5 comments:

hyslop said...

love you and your outlook RC man

Face of Spades said...

incredible.

j. leo said...

remember how you said a short while ago that when the president talks, you don't only not understand him, but you don't even have a clue what the speech is about? yeah, you've reached that level............


oh, and as I've been driving around LA and needing talk radio for trafic tips, I have listened to Jim Cramer on the radio very much lately, which is not nearly as good as seeing him but still hilarious and much better than any political or sports stuff out here.....

anyway, didn't he just say that Under Armor had terrible management? I distinctly remembering someone calling him in last time and asking him about it, whereupon he ripped the ownership and told everyone to SELL SELL SELL UNDERARMOR... so are you watching him and not paying attention?

what? Ryan Carey? distracted?

I refuse to believe it....

d said...

lasers.

Face of Spades said...

if you don't know the rate of increase in lasers, and assume that lasers will continually approach infinity without plateauing anywhere, then at the very least, we cannot say that yesterday's (today-24 hours) lasers' absolute value is NOT zero. Remember, though, you are speaking on a linear time scale. If you spoke in terms of eternity, where there is no time, then the value of lasers is infinity, and lasers is NOW.