Aries: March 24 - April 19
You will crack into your uncle's un-opened case of original Crystal Pepsi. Stale soda will reflect the value of your English degree; you will soon realize the importance of Court Stenography school. Teeth-rotting soft-drinks are your impetous harbinger of adult education.
Taurus: April 20 - May 20
When you take ample quantities of cough-syrup, it's important to realize the differentiation between 'heavy machinery' and 'dangerous machinery'. Operable machinery is not necessarily dangerous by virtue of it's weight (i.e. vending machine). Conversely, machinery is not necessarily cough-syrup-friendly just because it's lighter (i.e. taser). Also: Camden NJ's proposed plan to make tasers available in vending machines near tourist attraction parking will gain no traction, so feel free to maintain cough-syrup as part of your congestion-free aquarium experience.
Gemini: May 21 - June 20
Your current relationship will require several investments in Cutco products.
Cancer: July 21 - July 22
The software known as Photoshop is entirely too complex for you to grasp. Also, Haitian cholera will not afflict any of your loved ones. Also, your barber is currently sharing racially insensitive humor with a Greyhound driver.
Leo: July 23 - August 22
Your next job will take you to the local metropolis of your favorite sports team's biggest rival. Also, you have the genetic allele predisposing you to alcoholism.
Virgo: August 23 - September 22
Your well-known penchant for conspiracy theory will be your undoing while attempting to convince others that Southeast Asia is merely a cartographic ploy perpetuated for the purposes of propping up the paradigm of the human genome.
Libra: September 23 - October 22
Your nephew's college roommate will be architecturally advanced, being able to construct a recreational smoking implement out of an Apple (not the fruit, the computer).
Scorpio: October 23 - November 21
The Dollar Store which you frequent for holiday decor, hard candy and sudoku will be outsourced to Spain. Fret not; it's reincarnation as the Euro Store will be much more profitable.
Sagittarius: November 22 -December 21
A locksmith in your postal district will commit suicide in response to 'two girls one cup'.
Capricorn: December 22 - January 19
Your favorite type of candy--taffy--will no longer be manufactured after the recession. Also, you've been spelling 'spigot' incorrectly.
Aquarius: January 20 - February 18
Pisces: February 19 - March 20
There are several fall foliage tours which will accommodate your acupuncture schedule. Visit http://www.lonelyplanet.com/usa/travel-tips-and-articles/75820 today!