Aries: March 24 - April 19
You will be required to choose between your relationship and your car. Regardless of which you pick, you will not be getting to work tomorrow. Also, your barber will sell your phone-number to a cold-call bank.
Taurus: April 20 - May 20
Your self-esteem will improve when a pro-football player compliments your shoes. This is worth the discomfort of wearing business footwear to a regular season game; your new-found confidence will enable you to finally divorce your dermatologist.
Gemini: May 21 - June 20
Your hatred of the Polish language will get you into a physical altercation with a dining ACLU litigator.
Cancer: July 21 - July 22
Your favorite professor from college will give an open lecture on the speculation of carbon credit futures. Also, very few plastic surgeons will agree to improve your personal feng-shui by re-arranging your face.
Leo: July 23 - August 22
You have no phone skills because you see no contextual difference between a telephone conversation and an encounter at a 24-hour laundromat.
Virgo: August 23 - September 22
Leather accessories give you a retro-flair. Also, all your pets think you ate their mother. Also, vitamin B12 will help prevent you from forgetting your own name.
Libra: September 23 - October 22
President Barak Obama will not return any of your snail-mail, email, tweets, or sky-writing. You are correct in your belief that he will be a two-term president--but he will not be re-ellected until 2032. Also, your basement would not survive even modest flooding.
Scorpio: October 23 - November 21
Your online dating account will be hacked into by a 19 year old Finnish boy named Sjostrom. Also, you have the highest I.Q. of anyone in your cul-de-sac.
Sagitarius: November 22 -December 21
Don't follow your inklings for a career change; inflation will put counterfeitting operations out of business.
Capricorn: December 22 - January 19
Latex coating can protect your walking-sticks from weathering. Also, you will go speed-dating with a heavily biased individual. Also, topographical maps make you squeamish.
Aquarius: January 20 - February 18
You take the 1967 film The Graduate too seriously. Also, your intensive over-involvement in the environmentalist movement will cause you to have a styrophobic episode at Salad Works.
Pisces: February 19 - March 20
You are a very attractive and sultry math nerd. You put the "bra" in algebra.