Aries: March 24 - April 19
Making wooden hinges is an important hobby. Also, your favorite bumper sticker will be messed up by 8th graders.
Taurus: April 20 - May 20
You will accidentally process a purchase order for 700 reams of hot-pink 8x11 matte stock. Prepare to be reamed out by your employer.
Gemini: May 21 - June 20
The relationship you are currently pursuing is implicit with ethnic organized crime. Also, your electric toothbrush is going to be recalled. Also, Fred Durst hates your blog.
Cancer: July 21 - July 22
Due to you're spouse's late-onset obsessive compulsive disorder, your sock drawer just became a poor place to hide your collection of adult magazines.
Leo: July 23 - August 22
Your favorite author will offer an interesting bargain with you: He will agree to name his next protagonist after you, if you name your first child after his next antagonist. You will decline.
Virgo: August 23 - September 22
Your fascination with eunuchs will lead you to a number of unfortunate websites.
Libra: September 23 - October 22
The next time you are in a supermarket you will witness a seizure. Not in the medical sense, but the establishment will actively be re-possessed by the bank.
Scorpio: October 23 - November 21
A horse-drawn carriage ride will result in replacement of your iPhone.
Sagittarius: November 22 -December 21
Your nephew will make you a refrigerator magnet which is inadvertently--and, very effectively--pornographic.
Capricorn: December 22 - January 19
Your current love interest finds you repellent. That is to say, they really like you and will successfully locate the canister of bug spray you've been asking about.
Aquarius: January 20 - February 18
You're going about your stock portfolio all wrong. When they tell you to diversify, that does not mean you buy stock in companies with African American and female CEO's. Rather, you need to own shares of companies whose profits come from different types of markets, such as: energy, apparel, food, entertainment, etc. Also, a particularly poor choice of nickname for your genitalia is "The Talking Baby from E*Trade".
Pisces: February 19 - March 20
Your favorite Hanna Barbera cartoons from youth have instilled a latent achondroplasiaphobia which will manifest inconveniently during your next visit to the department of motor vehicles.