Thursday, November 18, 2010

What your Wristwatch Says About Your Income

The fewer numbers are on your watch, the higher your brow, the more masterful your stab at the American dream. Let's take a look at an ascending lineup of time-piece classiness:


LOTS OF NUMBERS

What sort of person wears this:
Where "handyman" and "Whole Foods bagger" meet.

What it says about you:
That you're so practical and universally applicable that you need an array of analog consoles by your side at all times.

Your income:
18-29 k


THE REGULAR NUMBERS & A FEW MORE

What sort of person wears this:
Nurse tech, carpenter, teacher, Target manager.

What this watch says about you:
That you wear a watch because you received it as a gift.

Your income:
30-41 k


THE REGULAR NUMBERS

What kind of person wears this:
Contractors, salesmen, professional poker players, successful realtors.

What this watch says about you:
The key to success is to keep it simple. Don't take surpluses for granted. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.

Your income:
45-65 k


ONLY THE MAJOR NUMBERS

Who wears this:
Assistant principals, anaesthesiologists, surveyors, congressmen.

What this watch says about you:
You are cheating on your wife, and she's probably cheating on you too.

Your income:
70-100k


ONE, PURELY SYMBOLIC, NUMBER

Who wears this:
Trust fund heirs, business owners, people who invent something and then sell the patent to a Norwegian company, me someday.

What this says about you:
Nothing that we didn't already learn from your haircut.

Your income:
900k - 18m


DIGITAL NUMERALS
Who wears this:
7th Graders

What this says about you:
You just learned about the Bering land bridge, and you're about to enter the world of adding and subtracting fractions.

Your Income:
$8/week


NO NUMBERS WHATSOEVER

Who wears this:
Winners of the Masters Tournament, Faberge egg appraisers, founders of Pixar.

What this says about you:
You don't really need a watch because either a) you always know what time it is based on your heartbeat count for the day b) never need to know what time it is because your private island is located directly on the International Date Line and you no longer accept appointments c) Windows OS is garbage and will always be second-rate product.

Your Income:
Wealth is just an abstract concept now. Ever since you started getting paid in nightly live-action, original-cast performances of Avatar, you use thousand dollar bills as packing paper to ship your nephew his hand-me-down Micro-Machines.

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