Aries: March 24 - April 19 Do not drink the open gatorade you find on the subway platform, or you will not be able to trust your peripheral vision until the equinox.
Taurus: April 20 - May 20 Brittish Petroleum will plan to scapegoat you for their next gaffe. Not to worry, it won't be nearly as disasterous (they will over-pay in their merger with Siemens Oil & Gas).
Gemini: May 21 - June 20 You will be walking down a narrow hallway, a stranger will stop to let you pass, but you've already stopped to let him pass. Then you will both try to pass at the same time. You will both chuckle politely, and one of you will say, "After you!".
Cancer: July 21 - July 22 Because of the new conflicting astrology layouts, you have never been born. You don't exist, and the only reason you think you're reading this is because Amy Adams is helping a retired climatologist understand a Greyhound schedule in Cedar Falls.
Leo: July 23 - August 22 Former Tampa Bay Buccaneers offensive line coach Pete Mangurian will testify at your neighbor's arraignment hearing. I can't say why, exactly, but this is pretty important.
Virgo: August 23 - September 22 You will be solicited to buy Girl Scout Cookies from a family you already puchased from this year. This should not be taken as an affront to your figure, it's just that times are tough, and girlscout cookie sales certainly do not run counter-cyclical to the economy.
Libra: September 23 - October 22 You will hit a deer. Not while driving, but you will be fuming mad over a lost bet with Mickey Rourke over whether or not Andy Dick wears a merkin.
Scorpio: October 23 - November 21 You will find an iPad being clutched by a deceased street-dweller. His name was Gregory, and his spirit will live in the iPad until you take it down to the Apple store for a memory wipe.
Sagittarius: November 22 -December 21 Your favorite epoxy will fail to contain leaks in your plumbing. Consult Google for sump-pump rental information.
Capricorn: December 22 - January 19 Scott Thompson (the Canadian) will write and direct a cabaret musical about your parents. (The American prop-comic Scott Thompson will contruct a midget-sized cellphone to make fun of you in the late 80's).
Aquarius: January 20 - February 18 In a courtroom, the worst defence is a good offence.
Pisces: February 19 - March 20 You will get physically sick when the guy from Man VS Food attempts cunnilingus on the octo-mom.