Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Dip Theory 101

Throughout history, thousands of culinary experts have asked themselves--and each other--exactly WHAT IS DIP? Is it merely a sauce for enhancing the flavor of a carbohydrate? Is it a main attraction for which the carbohydrate serves as a transport vessel? Can you eat it with a spoon? Is it fattening?

We only know the answer to one of these questions, "Is it fattening?"

The answer, of course, is "No!"

Don't be fooled by its great viscosity. The average dip clings to the side of a chip not because of an incredibly high lipid-density, but rather because of a static charge produced by all the sheep that roam the Frito-Lay factory in Plano, Texas--where all Tostidos products are manufactured. Due to the extreme eccentricities of founding CEO Charles Elmer Doolin, who wanted to foster a "shepherd” approach to management, local farmers were contracted in 1936 to supply his factory with a proprietary breed of local sheep. To this day, they ruminate amongst the factory workers as part of the late CEO's inspirational legacy to his middle managers. These ungulates brush up against the conveyor lines with their thick wool, creating a shortage of electrons, factory-wide. The resulting electron void of all Frito-Lay products--which nearby atoms seek to equalize--is the same principle which causes a balloon to cling to the wall after being rubbed against one’s hair.

Further exacerbating the cling of dip to chip is the fact that many dips are made with electric food processors manufactured after 1971. This was the year the Conair Corporation began production of their Cuisinart line which most of today's brands are loosely based upon. Due to the high amperage rating of their current, stray electrons get sprinkled into the average dip, not unlike an invisible, tasteless, odorless seasoning. The extra electrons seeking balance will cling to any breads, celery stalks or corn chips you have to dip.

(Warning: If you dip a Frito-Lay product into a dip made with a Cuisinart food processor after walking across a wool carpet, your entire dip will explode like a terminally corroded car-battery.)

(Danger: If you dip a Frido-Lay product into a Cuisinar-prepared dip made with lamb meat from the Frito-Lay factory, you will travel though time.)

(Notice: If you observe a hand-stirred dip sticking to non-Frito-Lay products, this dip is incredibly fattening, the arterial equivalent of flat-tire sealant spray.) 

1 comment:

Christopher said...

A clever analysis, but you gave some aspects of DIP the short shrift. Such as when it's so delicious that, at worst, dip-sharing friends become ravenous competitors willing to smash each other's chips for one more bite of positively charged divinity. Or at best, they hold a veritable olympic event in quest of a dip that inspires us to be fatter, higher, dipmongers.