Aries: March 24 - April 19
You will be named the Shi'ite Ski-King of Skiing. (Don't ask.)
Taurus: April 20 - May 20
If you plan on saying your "I do's" in front of your greek relatives while sky-diving, you should "opa" tandem-style.
Gemini: May 21 - June 20
Just for this month, take "No Tresspassing" signs seriously. After that, you're good.
Cancer: July 21 - July 22
Your unusually strong affinity for military men will tempt you to take the role of General Petraeus' next "biographer".
Leo: July 23 - August 22
An untimely cloud of hairspray will interrupt your reconciliation with Ann Wilson.
Virgo: August 23 - September 22
Medical science is finding that a stroke can cause a lisp, although with speech therapy, these are often reversible.
Libra: September 23 - October 22
Your copy of Quicken tax software will contract a computer virus called "Fiscal Cliff".
Scorpio: October 23 - November 21
Hounds are not to be trusted. The classic pop chorus, "You aint nothing but a hound-dog" identifies the pejorative nature of the term. You've also heard the verb "to hound" someone. They are the narcs of the K9 world; impeccable olfactory systems are no excuse for abandoning classic K9 loyalty.
Sagittarius: November 22 -December 21
Deforestation is your favorite activism cause, and you will finally move all your literature to paperless.
Capricorn: December 22 - January 19
Aquarius: January 20 - February 18
Odometer fraud is more rampant than you think. Don't forget the Carfax.
Pisces: February 19 - March 20