Horoscope 12/10/12

Aries: March 24 - April 19

You will be named the Shi'ite Ski-King of Skiing. (Don't ask.)

Taurus: April 20 - May 20

If you plan on saying your "I do's" in front of your greek relatives while sky-diving, you should "opa" tandem-style.

Gemini: May 21 - June 20

Just for this month, take "No Tresspassing" signs seriously. After that, you're good.

Cancer: July 21 - July 22

Your unusually strong affinity for military men will tempt you to take the role of General Petraeus' next "biographer".

Leo: July 23 - August 22

An untimely cloud of hairspray will interrupt your reconciliation with Ann Wilson.

Virgo: August 23 - September 22

Medical science is finding that a stroke can cause a lisp, although with speech therapy, these are often reversible.

Libra: September 23 - October 22

Your copy of Quicken tax software will contract a computer virus called "Fiscal Cliff".

Scorpio: October 23 - November 21

Hounds are not to be trusted. The classic pop chorus, "You aint nothing but a hound-dog" identifies the pejorative nature of the term. You've also heard the verb "to hound" someone. They are the narcs of the K9 world; impeccable olfactory systems are no excuse for abandoning classic K9 loyalty.

Sagittarius: November 22 -December 21

Deforestation is your favorite activism cause, and you will finally move all your literature to paperless.

Capricorn: December 22 - January 19

Magnets, bitch!

Aquarius: January 20 - February 18

Odometer fraud is more rampant than you think. Don't forget the Carfax.

Pisces: February 19 - March 20

Shave.

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